Guess what....I have had one of those ah ha moments. Granted, it is partly due to the help of my counselor/therapist and partly due to a wonderful and caring woman that has been my friend for what seems like a lifetime.
The counselor made me face all of the fears that were real and those that were imagined. She reminded me that all the skills I needed have always been within me and all I have to do is give them the chance to do their jobs. She reminded me that as I grow these skills help me remain focused and grounded if I let them do their respective jobs.
My friend reminded me that I was stronger than I was giving myself credit for. She reminded me to let go and float. Go with the currents and not fight them. Let my emotions go and let what ever happened just happen. She also reminded me to breath, deep cleansing breaths.
What does all of this mean to me? Well, several things actually. It made me focus again. I have taken a DEEP breath and made the appointment to have my degree plan audited. I am still a bit nervous, as according to the counselor, some of the credits are old and due to the program I was admitted under, some of the credits could actually be obsolete and no longer valid towards the actual degree. The good part, I am okay with what ever the outcome will be, because I know that I can still get it done and this will just be a test of my metal.
It means that I have remembered that there are people around me that love me in spite of myself and are there to help me should I ask. That sounds easy, right? Not really. I am a proud woman and admitting that I need help is hard. I have been trying to become strong and independent and some how I confused those goals with needing love and support. I thought that if I asked for help dealing with something that I was no longer being independent or strong. I have been shown the difference and now know how to cope should I feel this "challenge" coming back.
And I also eluded to mind-reading. I have been strongly reminded that no one is a mind-reader and that casting out hints to avoid conflict and/or confrontation is not the way to communicate. So, with that in mind, I have also faced that head on. I have had a come to Jesus talk with SF and we are working to dissolve some of my fears. Funny part, she rarely gets my sense of humor, so she never even realized my hints were aimed at getting her to ask me anything. Once I pointed out some of the hints, we laughed and began to talk about them, one by one.
Do I feel better? Most assuredly! Am I more comfortable with myself and the path I am on? Yes, I think I am. Do I have all the answers? No, and you know what? It's okay too. I don't have to have all the answers. I can count on someone else to be strong when I can't and it doesn't make me any less self-sufficient or independent. It makes me human, and yes, I am very human. I may not know how to be a partner yet, but I think I have a good idea. I find the idea of learning how to share and be an equal hard to wrap my head around; however, not impossible.
This week has ended a few weeks of panic and allowed me to return to "normal". I am grounded again and actually funny again, even though SF still doesn't get all the jokes. She is a stubborn one. She is still excited to go with me to Ohio in July to meet my entire family for my parents' 50th anniversary party. She will meet my siblings, my parents, my nephew and nieces, and all their respective partners. She will meet my father's relatives and also any of my mother's that are physically able to make it. We have purchased the plane tickets for an outlandishly cheap price of $257.40 round-trip. I have the hotel secured and she is getting the rental car.
Hopefully, between now and then, she will learn to understand my sense of humor more, or she will be totally lost with the family....yes, they come with a disclaimer and I have duly warned her. She has been given every opportunity to change her mind. The purchase of the tickets was the point of no return. She now has a April, May, and June to figure it out....good luck with that.....
And you, my bloggy peeps, have been the best audience this past few weeks. If I could scoop you all up and celebrate together I would. Each of you has a special place in my thoughts and prayers and even though I don't always comment on your blogs, I am reading....Now that the real and imagined stress is in remission, beware, I can begin commenting again at the drop of a hat.....
Happy Friday to those of you that have to work tomorrow....for those of you that have the day off, I love you too... :)