"I have never felt that anything really mattered but the satisfaction of knowing that you stood for the things in which you believed and had done the very best you could." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Monday, April 13, 2009

Manic Monday

Not really, but the Bangles song pops into my head from time to time, along with I Don't Like Mondays by the Boomtown Rats. Work was good and Monday is actually my favorite day of the week.

I spoke with Stephanie today. She is doing okay and Jack is making her leave the house this evening to visit friends. I know she will be okay. She is the female version of Dr. Doolittle and this will not get her down for long. She actually found a stray kitten last week that they believe is pregnant and the shelter will not take her yet so Stephanie, Jack and Mary (Jack's mother) are feeding her and watching out for her until the shelter will take her. So Stephanie has a "project" and that will cheer her up and let her pass her love for animals on to yet a new "baby".

A certain amount of pondering about life takes place in my life now that I am at peace with myself and the space that I call home. With the demons exercised, or at least at bay, I allow myself to think when the mood strikes me. I am not a huge fan of television, and with no sports on Monday to garner my attention, I knit in the quiet and allow myself to unwind. Listening to the clicks and clacks of the needles and stitch markers of the Clapotis, I had one of those moments.

I realized that I am indeed lucky for having taken the paths I took to get to the junction that now stands before me. I am thankful for the experiences and the pains that both John and Laurie brought into my life and that of Stephanie and Megan. Again, ever so mindful of the role I played in the relationships, I take full responsibility for all the parts that were mine to share and bear. I accept the things that I did and did not do that added to their initial success and then to the failures.

I look at myself and the journey that I have labeled the Waltz with SF. To those of you that have spent any time in person with me as of late, you will get my sarcasm. For the others, just believe that half of the humor is in my animation when I discuss the Waltz. SF is from the Panhandle of Texas. They do the two-step in a much different manner than we do. It is very formal and very much like a western version of a ballroom dance.

Thus, SF and I affectionately label the friendship and the relationship we have the Waltz. We are very deliberate in our steps and every thing is in accordance to proper etiquette. Now, before you think it is boring, there are moments of sheer spontaneity. But overall, the comfort of having a friendship that truly combines honesty, humility, sharing, and yes, love of each other has taken some work.

I use the word love to point out that part of my reflections tonight were about how you need to truly love your best friend. My Big Sis called me Easter morning. That meant more to me that she knows. To be able to hear her voice at unexpected moments is a true boost to my soul. She had no way of knowing that I needed her strength more than ever when she called. She had no way of knowing what the day meant to Stephanie nor the news that we had just received. She called because she had sent me an email that I responded with my answer prefaced with the need to tell her to be calm. Why, because a very tiny part of me needed her to love me for the answer and support me for the choice. I should have known that she would totally understand and support me, because she loves me.

That is what I was reflecting upon as the needles and the pattern continued to unfold. I thought about Jessica and how I am excited for her as she starts the next chapter in her life. Yes, I am sad that her chapter unfolds in a city that is now three hours away, but it is part of loving her as my friend and supporting her as only a friend can do.

I thought about Melanie and Samantha. Two of my "sisters" from Ravelry and knitting. They are family in every sense of the word. But they are also my friends. I love them and protect them as best I can over the interwebz. That also goes out to Joe, who is recovering from a little surgical adjustments, fine tuning if you will. Hurry your ass up already. I miss your wit and charm.

I extend these thoughts to Megan as she prepares her family for the Tadpole. She has been the most amazing friend for the last three years. She has been my Yankee ears and shoulder and I will be forever grateful and only hope that I can be the same friend to her. That also goes out to Amy. She is a free spirit that dons civil war costumes that she and her mother make to re-enact battles so that we can honor all the men and boys we lost in our civil war.

I could list out names all night and I would. For those of you that I did not immortalize in print this go round, please believe that the same love I feel for those mentioned is also shared with each of you.

Love is a funny word. Too often people associate it with romance and family. Love is so much more, as evidenced by the information below:


(1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (maternal - love for a child)
(2): attraction based on sexual desire (affection and tenderness felt by lovers)
(3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests (love for his old schoolmates)
(4): an assurance of love (give her my love)
(5): warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion (love of the sea)
(6): the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration (baseball was his first love)
(7): a beloved person (darling - often used as a term of endearment)

I love my friends based upon the admiration and common interests that bind us. I love them for the devotion that they have for their own lives that allows them to freely share with me, as well as others.

I will admit that at some point the love for a friend can pass on to the next level and then it becomes a deeper and stronger version of all the things that established it in the first place. Once it gets to that level, you are fortunate indeed. You have been able to traverse the waters of friendship into a relationship that is meant to build you up, care for you in times of need, and most of all, support you as you continue to develop and step forward into the next level.

My knitting has put me into a wonderful calm this evening and while I do not know what awaits on the precipice of the dawn, one thing is certain. I have the love of SF and all the meanings that we choose to utilize as we continue the Waltz. I also have the love of friends and family, affording me an invisible suit of armor that I wrap myself in to ensure that I can do the same for them in return.

Sleep soundly my friends. Safe in the love of your partner, your husband, your wife, your lover, your self. Knowing that for some place in the cosmos, my love has found its way to you as yours has found its way to some one else.


Anonymous said...

Monday, monday (ba-da ba-da-da-da)
So good to me (ba-da ba-da-da-da)
Monday mornin, it was all I hoped it would be
Oh monday mornin, monday mornin couldnt guarantee (ba-da ba-da-da-da)
That monday evenin you would still be here with me....

remember that song by the mamas and papas? monday, monday... smile. love it. and the denny doherty has such an angelic voice in this song!

your monday... your monday evening blog posting... how powerful, how beautifully written and expressed...straight from your soul. i was deeply moved by your words...your ponderings. you have truly grown so much especially your inner being. you have truly risen from the ashes (and lord knows you have been through so much pain in this year alone; you have truly owned up, faced, confronted and through it all...worked so hard to get "where you are" now. your strength, your ocmpassion, your insight into yourself are all impressive. but more than anything else, i see that while you have always LOVED so deeply to/for others regardless of the ties that bind...and your relationship to each and everyone... i see very clearly (even if through misty eyes here)....that you have finally come HOME to yourself, you have finally fallen in love with YOU. am so proud of you.

yes, love is a many splendor thing... to many different folks... and in this world... but when one finally embraces oneself...and loves oneself unconditionally...you've come home...and in so entering, you find peace and acceptance, along with all the good stuff and warts, too. smile. TOUCHE' LIL SIS!

I love you. YOu've come home...to you and in so doing, the rest of us and the world are dancin' a jig tonight in celebration. we ll leave THE WALTZ to you and SF.

CELEBRATE YOU! Save your posting from tonight... it's a special one.

Just as you are special!


Melanie said...

That's a lot of deep thinking.

I'm glad you're my friend on the interwebz. We southern girls have to stick together.

knitguyla said...

Present. You call and I arrive. What a lovely post and how surprised I was to find I was a part of it. Love right back at ya. And I'm fine, I'm just typing slower.

Megan said...


And you made me cry.