"I have never felt that anything really mattered but the satisfaction of knowing that you stood for the things in which you believed and had done the very best you could." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Okay, so yesterday I was in a general funk.  It is safe to say that I am on the road to recovery.  Partly due to the wonderful woman that I share my life with.  I'll explain.

I mentioned that I was in the Pimp My Queue Swap on Ravelry.  After a self imposed time out from all that is the Internet, I sat down with my secret partner's information and the two patterns I have narrowed down from the top ten in her queue.  I grabbed a cup of Spicy Chocolate Mint Tea from The Republic of Tea to look over both patterns and the yarn requirements.  I thought that that the tea and the pursuit of swap goodness would help calm me down.

It did, but in an unusual way.  It made me retrospective.  I sat back with a second cup of tea and began to think about a simple statement that my counselor/therapist had put in front of me.  She said that I needed to let go of my fears and trepidations from the last two failed relationships and trust myself.  She said that when I was completely able to surrender myself to the person I loved I would no longer need to be in control of every minute detail of my life.  I would be free to enjoy and become spontaneous.  I cried.  I began to realize that this was indeed what was happening to me.

I realized that the relationship that I have been  building with SF is indeed one based on truth, honesty, respect and love.  We both want the best for each other while preserving our unique individuality building a cohesive unit that is our relationship.  I was keenly aware that for the first time in my life I was safe with another human being and could let my guard down.  All the while knowing that she will never use any of my faults against me.  She will never criticize me for what I know or don't know.  She nurtures my talents and is amazed by my strength and beauty all at the same time.  I have no reason to fear that she will leave me or neglect me for the newest friend or the shiniest object.  We are both safe to grow and spread our wings knowing that the other will be waiting to hear all about the journey when we return.

It was hard to believe that without knowing it I had come to the next resting place in my life.  Once I am more secure with this new realization, I can move forward and continue to grow and share.  I will need to wrap my head around this for a while and get acquainted and comfortable with it but I think I can face it and grow into it gracefully.  It is a concept that SF has been trying to help me see for a while but I resisted.  I'm not sure why but I was certainly afraid.  It was a fear that was a pit in my stomach.  Much like the fear I had to face the first time she asked me to move in with her in November.  And the same fear that I felt when she wanted to get commitment/promise rings in December to exchange on Valentines Day.  I had to believe that I was not making the same mistake again for the third time and believe that I did deserve that someone that loves me unconditionally.  We still haven't gotten past the promise ring to the actual commitment ring but I am getting more comfortable with the idea of wearing a ring on my ring finger once again.

After dinner, SF and I were sitting on the leather sofa.  We were flipping between the WNBA game on ESPN2 and the College Baseball World Series.  At one of the commercials, she placed the sound on mute and said, "What has been eating at you the last few days?"  Transparent as charged.  I tried to brush it off because the game had resumed but she was firm.  I finally told her what had been bothering me.  Not without tears of course.  She pulled me into her arms and asked me why I still fought the fact that she loves my unconditionally and that I am safe.  I tried to explain but she agreed that some scars do indeed take longer to heal and she would just continue to be patient and be the person I knew her to be.

Life is funny like that.  I think I slept like a brick last night.  It was one of the best night's rest I have had in a week.  I still have to provide the dinner request tonight when she gets home but I am okay with the total surprise factor of the rest.  She knows that I HATE public birthday scenes at restaurants so I have no fear of the staff singing to me or anything of the sort.  I believe that I will have a very private celebration with her and then when the girls are both available we will have a second one.  And that's okay with me too.  Why wouldn't I want two celebrations.....

And, I finally settled on the pattern for the swap.  I can't reveal the details yet but I will once the package has safely been received.  After all it is a secret swap but the participants may be stalking the blog so I can't let the details slip just yet.  I will be taking a trip to Katy to Yarntopia to see if they have the local yarn I am in search of.  Wish me luck....


Knittymuggins said...

So glad you're feeling better and that SF was able to reassure you that you are safe and loved unconditionally! You deserve that :)

Oh and I hate public birthday displays too! Hope your birthday turns out wonderfully :)


Amy Darsie said...

M beat me to it! LOL

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better, that your spirits are raised again, all with help from SF. Isn't it wonderful, after so many instances of pain and resentment, to have one person that you know will never judge or let you down?

OY - that's right! You have a birthday very soon, don't you? Enjoy it!

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