Quick post.....preparing for classes to start tomorrow. I was reading some materials and looking at the map of campus when I was gripped by panic. Why? Well, what do you wear to class as an adult? What the hell am I thinking? Should I really be trying to get this finished now? I'm off all my meds, is this a good thing?
What did I do? Well, for starters, I fixed myself a cup of chamomile tea. Next, I started knitting on Trouble's footies. As I knitted I contemplated my fears one by one. I remembered that I am in control of my self and my choices. I remembered that I am very intelligent and therefore I should be able to handle this, after all, it is only two classes this semester. As for what to wear, duh....jeans and tennis shoes to haul my ass across the campus.
Best part of the night was the call from S.F. to tell me how much the weekend had meant and how proud of me she is. Reminding me that the lack of the degree never would have been used against me and that the decision to finish was all mine. Reminding me that only I could choose to start and stop and that regardless of my choice I would always have her respect for what I know and what I can accomplish. Her final thoughts that she left me with for the night, I have been given all the tools I need to succeed and I just need to have the faith in myself that she has in me and let her be my strength when I don't think I can read one more word, when I don't think I can finish one more assignment, and when I don't think I have anything left to give. Remember too, that it is okay to be afraid and okay to ask for help. I don't have to do it alone.
I have allowed myself to look into that mirror again. What do I see now? I see a woman that does deserve it all! I see a woman that has made mistakes, had lapses in her judgment, has let others control her, and has been afraid to be anything less than perfect. But most of all I see a woman that has allowed herself to be vulnerable and human and has been loved and accepted for those same reasons.
The waltz continues, and as each day closes, I see the valuable lessons learned from dancing the waltz. The foundation that has been carefully laid will ensure that the relationship will be solid as time passes. S.F. is probably the last boyscout on the planet and for that I am truly lucky. Everyone comes in and out of our life for a reason. I can only hope that the path that has been laid out in front of me at this point in my life will give me the love and relationship that I have been searching for and allow me to be the equal partner that I know I can be.
I crawl into bed this evening still feeling a little bit of trepidation, but safe in the strength that the love and encouragement that I know I have and will continue to receive.
Good night S.F. Sleep well and when we are there, don't forget to tell me, as I have not seen the destination and would hate to miss the stop.....until then, we share time when we can, value the friendship that continues to grow, and most of all, share our strength and weaknesses with each other to over come the past and create a future.