"I have never felt that anything really mattered but the satisfaction of knowing that you stood for the things in which you believed and had done the very best you could." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Monday, August 18, 2008

Brave New World

Yes, that is the title to a book by Aldous Huxley. I do not use it lightly. This is one of my favorite Dystopian novels. Check out this for more on the term dystopia. I use the title more to describe where I am in my evolution.

Yes, the separation is a kind of evolution for me. The definition of evolution can be best laid out here. The last 73 days have been the start of my self-discovery. It has been painful and joyful all at the same time. I must admit, as a person that really doesn't like to take too close of a look into my own psyche, I can honestly say that I have looked and it is not so bad.

I have discovered that I am very intelligent in many areas and lacking in others. Does that make me bad or weak? No, it leaves me room to grow and develop those areas. I have discovered that I am very eloquent and that writing seems to be an excellent outlet for me. I have discovered that once I looked into the mirror that I really did like the woman that stared back. I discovered that she is quite attractive and warm. She has an inner strength that she had forgotten. She is passionate and wants to share. She has much to offer and much to learn. She has also discovered that she needs to be more outgoing and let others learn about her, truly what makes her tick and not just what she wants them to know. She has also learned that it is safe to let others know her imperfections and that they will most likely love her just the same. I have learned that Mary Poppins is just a fictional character and that I cannot be her.

I have also discovered that it is important for me to be able to express myself and my wants and needs and expect that they will not be discounted or that I will not be called selfish and/or self-centered. I have learned that I am an excellent cook and that I like to cook when there is no pressure. I have a passion for new foods as well. I am getting fond of Moroccan food and I LOVE my clay pot cooker. I have also discovered that I like going to listen to good music and don't have to drink alcohol to enjoy the show. Actually, truth be told, I don't drink much at all any more. Not to say that I have sworn off it all together. I just decided that I don't need to be numb to enjoy life.

I have also learned that I need social interaction with people that share interests in what I like. Things like charity events, volunteering, music at local pubs, and dancing at Country Western night with people that actually know how a true two step and Waltz should be done to good Texas music. I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin and that my past should never be used against me in a hurtful way to win an argument.

I have learned that my family is no more dysfunctional than any other family and that I should not be made to feel that they way I was brought up is any less important than that of my partner. I have also learned that I cannot let a partner dictate how my life should unfold. If we are a team then there should be a "marriage" of everything. That would include social activities, friends, food, vacations, holidays, and beliefs on how we want to behave together. Letting one person dictate everything based upon the fact that they were brought up better than me is no longer an option. I have also learned that I want a partner that is proud of me for everything that makes me who I am, faults and all. That my imperfections and short-comings are not something that need to changed and that I should be loved in spite of myself.

I have learned that I have friends that are my friends through this wonderful word of blogging. Many of them have been the best life savers through this beginning of my evolution. Now that the butterfly is emerging from the chrysalis, she needs to unfurl her wings and let these special people know just how much they mean to her. Life is short and we need to share our souls and passions with those that dare to want to share.

Follow along and I will be the wind beneath each of your wings as well.

Thanks for listening.....


Anonymous said...

It's wonderful, isn't it ... when you hit that point and realize everything is okay. That you are worth something ... that you are a beautiful person.

I've been there before myself, so I understand. *hugs*

Miss Me said...

okay - you've just made me smile ear to ear and cry at the same time! i'm so pleased for you and that journey is proving enlightening.