"I have never felt that anything really mattered but the satisfaction of knowing that you stood for the things in which you believed and had done the very best you could." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Thoughts on Thursday

Yes, it has been a while since I did thoughts on Thursday. I am home from class and feeling a bit of a funk trying to creep in. Blogs are a place to feel free and write what one thinks. Not really....since it's inception I have been walking on egg shells to protect people. Why, because an ex mandated it. I was compliant but I was hiding. No more!

First, to my best friend and big sister. Let me pour this out while I am able. Do not worry. I am fine but this is necessary to finally shed the life I have fought hard to overcome all these months. It is time to be the person, the woman, that I am and can be. It is time for me to no longer be afraid or worry about what she or her friends will read and report to each other. It is time for me to no longer be afraid of my daughters reading about my life. If they love me, they will be fine and we can all heal and close this last chapter. It is necessary for me so that I can live the life I deserve.

To those of you that I have had correspondence with "off-line", bear with me. Many of you know details that have been omitted or "altered" for the sake of the blog. Those of you that know, will understand the need to be able to be "free". Now, that is not to say that I will provide names for everyone or divulge anyone unless I know I have their blessings.

I cannot go back through every entry and provide the missing details but I can promise myself that from this entry forward, I will not hide behind mandates from an ex that has not been open and honest with herself and has more ghosts in her closets than I do at this point. I feel that this line from Labyrinth is best suited to this situation. The final line from Sarah is, "You have no power over me". And having said that, she does not.

Stephanie (aka Trouble) has long wished for me to be the strong woman that she knew was hidden inside. She and Jack have been so motivational to me. They worship each other and I think that the life lessons I tried to teach both girls about what a relationship should and could be made it into her head. They love each other and everyone can tell. She and Jack adore S.F. (have not asked her for permission to use her name) and have told me that they can tell that the love and respect that continues to develop between us is testament to wanting to be certain that we both are ready to move to the next part of a relationship.

What is that you may ask? Well, in the past, we both have been guilty of letting pure lust, for lack of a better way to describe it, cloud our minds. This time, we have taken all the time we need. We started as friends. Friends that just wanted to get to know each other. No strings attached and no intimate (aka carnal) knowledge exchanged. From there, we agreed to move forward with "dates" that were public and had boundaries. These dates have continued and I love them. I have the utmost respect for her wisdom in this situation and in reality, could not have progressed any faster. Not that I do not want to move to the next level. I am human after all.

I have come to terms with living alone. If the laundry is not done, there is no one to blame but myself. If the bed is not made, or the bathroom is not clean, or the litter boxes need to be cleaned, again I have no one to blame but myself. I am responsible for my own meals and my own health. I am no longer on any medications. They are no longer needed. I have no anxiety and I sleep like a baby. Truth be told, I love my space. I like the fact that it is mine and I can re-arrange the furniture daily if I want. I can do almost anything I want and no one can tell me not to (within the limits of the lease). Do I want to live alone forever. No. I am not made of the fabric needed to live alone for the rest of my life. I have the need to nurture and love and living alone is not conducive to that.

Do I miss the life I once wrote about? I miss the gardens. I miss the yard. I do not miss anything else at this point. I have allowed that part of my life to die gracefully and want to be able to move on. I even have it in me to be the bigger person when I see the ex and her friends. Just as I did at Megan's (Aka Munchkin) birthday. One of the ex's oldest friends was at the same place we were celebrating. I made it a point to extend pleasantries with her and let her know that both girls and the baby would be arriving.

She was less than pleasant but I did moved on. I do sincerely wish Michelle well (especially with the death of her mother in December). I also wish Ruth and Terri well. I hope that they are happy together. I always wanted Ruth to meet a woman that would love her the way she deserved to be loved. As odd as this will sound, I also wish Barbara and Donece (aka Special Couple) well. I hope that Donece will learn to tell Barbara the truth and stop with her insistence that what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Failure to tell one's partner the truth is just lying no matter how you slice it. And I also do really wish the ex all the best as well. I hope that she can cleanse her closet of the ghosts she has refused to face and then she will be able to meet someone else that may be able to love her unconditionally.

As for me, I am now able to move on and forge onward. I want to soar. I want to evolve. I want to love and cherish one person with all that I have within myself. I want to feel safe and free to express my innermost thoughts and desires without fearing rejection or ridicule. I want to share and laugh over the silliest of things. I want to be spontaneous again. I want to dance in the kitchen if the mood strikes me. I want to eat ice cream for breakfast if I want to. I want another tattoo (or maybe two). I want a motorcycle and not just to ride in the country on a deserted road. I want to live and know that I have loved.

I also want to share with my friends. I am human and I am not afraid to admit that I am not perfect. I cannot be. I am also not afraid to admit that I am not always right. I want to be but realize that is impossible.

Okay...signing off now. Bear with me as I evolve again. Questions? I hope so, because god knows I have some....

8 comments:

Jessica said...

Rock on my friend...much love and support from me and my menagerie (even the Cole Haan loafer eater).

Becky said...

SOAR, BABY, SOAR!

All the best!

Becky aka Big Sister

Melanie said...

Sounds good to me.

Lorette said...

Here's to chasing the ghosts out of the closets! You deserve all the love and happiness you can find in life.

And if you want to get another tattoo, come on up to visit. I'm feeling the need to get another one!

p3knitter said...

Evolution is a good thing! *hugs*

It's always good to get these things off one's chest.

Megan said...

Good for you!!! This is a well deserved, much needed leap forward for you.

Leah said...

Sounds as if you're energized! How exciting!

Miss Me said...

i've fallen behind with blog reading, but it looks like all is well in your world. reading this post made me think of a phoenix - emerging in all its beauty from the destruction of fire. : )