Wednesday

Okay, so yesterday I was in a general funk.  It is safe to say that I am on the road to recovery.  Partly due to the wonderful woman that I share my life with.  I'll explain.

I mentioned that I was in the Pimp My Queue Swap on Ravelry.  After a self imposed time out from all that is the Internet, I sat down with my secret partner's information and the two patterns I have narrowed down from the top ten in her queue.  I grabbed a cup of Spicy Chocolate Mint Tea from The Republic of Tea to look over both patterns and the yarn requirements.  I thought that that the tea and the pursuit of swap goodness would help calm me down.

It did, but in an unusual way.  It made me retrospective.  I sat back with a second cup of tea and began to think about a simple statement that my counselor/therapist had put in front of me.  She said that I needed to let go of my fears and trepidations from the last two failed relationships and trust myself.  She said that when I was completely able to surrender myself to the person I loved I would no longer need to be in control of every minute detail of my life.  I would be free to enjoy and become spontaneous.  I cried.  I began to realize that this was indeed what was happening to me.

I realized that the relationship that I have been  building with SF is indeed one based on truth, honesty, respect and love.  We both want the best for each other while preserving our unique individuality building a cohesive unit that is our relationship.  I was keenly aware that for the first time in my life I was safe with another human being and could let my guard down.  All the while knowing that she will never use any of my faults against me.  She will never criticize me for what I know or don't know.  She nurtures my talents and is amazed by my strength and beauty all at the same time.  I have no reason to fear that she will leave me or neglect me for the newest friend or the shiniest object.  We are both safe to grow and spread our wings knowing that the other will be waiting to hear all about the journey when we return.

It was hard to believe that without knowing it I had come to the next resting place in my life.  Once I am more secure with this new realization, I can move forward and continue to grow and share.  I will need to wrap my head around this for a while and get acquainted and comfortable with it but I think I can face it and grow into it gracefully.  It is a concept that SF has been trying to help me see for a while but I resisted.  I'm not sure why but I was certainly afraid.  It was a fear that was a pit in my stomach.  Much like the fear I had to face the first time she asked me to move in with her in November.  And the same fear that I felt when she wanted to get commitment/promise rings in December to exchange on Valentines Day.  I had to believe that I was not making the same mistake again for the third time and believe that I did deserve that someone that loves me unconditionally.  We still haven't gotten past the promise ring to the actual commitment ring but I am getting more comfortable with the idea of wearing a ring on my ring finger once again.

After dinner, SF and I were sitting on the leather sofa.  We were flipping between the WNBA game on ESPN2 and the College Baseball World Series.  At one of the commercials, she placed the sound on mute and said, "What has been eating at you the last few days?"  Transparent as charged.  I tried to brush it off because the game had resumed but she was firm.  I finally told her what had been bothering me.  Not without tears of course.  She pulled me into her arms and asked me why I still fought the fact that she loves my unconditionally and that I am safe.  I tried to explain but she agreed that some scars do indeed take longer to heal and she would just continue to be patient and be the person I knew her to be.

Life is funny like that.  I think I slept like a brick last night.  It was one of the best night's rest I have had in a week.  I still have to provide the dinner request tonight when she gets home but I am okay with the total surprise factor of the rest.  She knows that I HATE public birthday scenes at restaurants so I have no fear of the staff singing to me or anything of the sort.  I believe that I will have a very private celebration with her and then when the girls are both available we will have a second one.  And that's okay with me too.  Why wouldn't I want two celebrations.....

And, I finally settled on the pattern for the swap.  I can't reveal the details yet but I will once the package has safely been received.  After all it is a secret swap but the participants may be stalking the blog so I can't let the details slip just yet.  I will be taking a trip to Katy to Yarntopia to see if they have the local yarn I am in search of.  Wish me luck....

I think I need a time out....

Okay, so I took a tiny break from work to check into Ravlery.  I have been on this weird pattern search and I wanted to run a more refined one than I had last night.  I'll talk about that later.  As always, I quickly scan the forums to see if there is anything of interest.  In the Remnants one was a thread labeled "Who is Barb?  Where is She?"  It grabbed my attention.  This is the first post of the thread:

I bought an Agatha Christie book on Ebay -- Mr Parker Pyne, Detective.  Inside was written a message:

“To Barb: Happy Independence Day!! Love, Mel 7/4/87”

I wonder about Barb.  Who is she?  Is she still alive?  Do she and Mel still love each other?  Did they have a good Independence Day in 1987?  The only thing I know for sure about Barb is that she doesn’t have the book anymore.

I hope they still love each other and will have a happy Independence Day this Saturday.

Edit: My mistake, Independence Day is on Sunday this year.

I kept reading until I came to this post:

I think it’s curious that the book was gifted on Independence Day.  Birthdays and other gift-giving holidays, sure … but July 4th?

Maybe Barb was/is a big reader and Mel knew she wouldn’t enjoy the fireworks and general mayhem … so gave her a book to help pass the time.

Oh boy...


I was not amused.  This was my reply to the above post in the thread: 

Okay, for the record, Independence Day is Sunday not Saturday in 2010.  Second, I was born on July 4th, so I have hundreds of books with inscriptions dated on July 4th.  Lots of people are born on national holidays as a matter of fact.  My grandmother was born on St. Patrick’s Day.  My youngest daughter was born on Valentines Day.  My partner was born on Thanksgiving Day.  And my parents were married on Christmas Day.  Just a few examples of dates that people might have been given books with special inscriptions.

And yes, this did strike a nerve.

So,  after noticing that I was unusually upset by this I decided that I needed a time out from the Internet.  I had some phone calls to return so I grabbed a glass of water and sat down with my pad of paper.  I made the calls but still felt irritated.  I decided that I was hungry so I ate my lunch.  I still felt that the hair on the back of my neck was still ruffled.


Why?  Why was I letting this apparently unintelligent and insensitive person get the better of me?  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  My birthday is Sunday.  No big deal.  I am not afraid of turning 48, nor am I depressed at aging.  I am in good physical condition and actually love the way I look for the first time in a very long time.  I finally snapped.  For the first time in a very long time, I have no clue what I will be doing for my birthday and I really don't like those kind of surprises.


Prior to life with SWCNLBN, the ex-husband considered having us all float down the Guadalupe River, with me in charge of the safety of the kids, while the remaining adults got plaster a great way to spend my birthday.  Not so much on my part.  Being the designated driver is one thing but the designated babysitter on the day I should be pampered was not my idea of a fun time.  Not to mention that this also included camping in a tent or staying in a lower end hotel where we cooked and the place was not so modern.  He did take me out to eat a few times in the 17.5 years we were married but most of the time I planned my own day and he just showed up when ever he could manage to get up.


In the past (w/SWCNLBN), I knew that we would have a lazy breakfast.  Meaning she would either make me eggs and toast or she would take me out, depending on how late she was getting ready.  Followed by a day of me floating in the pool while she cooked steak and seafood.  I usually ask for surf and turf for my birthday meal.  All accompanied with the consumption of too many adult beverages.  If we were still awake, we would watch the fireworks downtown.  The birthday presents were opened at some point between the food and the cake and before our guests left our house.


When my brother lived in Houston I could also count on the fact that he and his wife would be there.  That meant that I had at least some of my family in attendance annually.  There was one year that SWCNLBN actually spent my birthday in NJ with my family for a family reunion.  It was just my parents and my direct siblings and their respective spouses and kids.  Other than that, there were many summers that I had to fly to Rochester to spend it with her family at the lake so that we could celebrate her nephew's birthday.  Regardless of the location, I never was uncertain of the outcome.


2008 was the start of the new life.  I was in the apartment and had celebrations over a few days.  My Posse gave me a pool-side party.  They cooked and supplied the adult beverages.  I didn't ask for or expect gifts.  Just not being alone was all I really wanted.  Megan and Stephanie also gave me a great day.  The brought me some wonderful gits and we had a great time.  The apartment was small but it felt like a palace with my family with me.  I had not met SF yet.  I would not meet her for another 23 days.  I was as happy as I could be given the circumstances.


2009 was unusual.  We celebrated my parents' 50th wedding anniversary in OH over the Fourth of July weekend.  It was my first trip home since SWCNLBN and I had gone our separate ways and was the first time SF was meeting my family.  I was nervous and excited all at the same time.  It was not much of a birthday.  I did get a cake and some cards but the weekend was about my parents and this wonderful celebration of their remarkable love.


So, I realize that with Birthday 2010 looming, I am clueless about what to expect.  I have not heard from my kids and I know that SF does not have their numbers.  I know that SF has asked me what I want for my dinner and if I want to go out and eat would I prefer Saturday so that we have more time.  Other than that, I am in the dark and I don't like it one bit.  It has nothing to do with me thinking that anyone will forget, I am just so accustomed to having all of it laid out according to the script for the last 10.5 years that I seem to have forgotten how to relax and just go with it and let it happen.


So, it seems that I need a time out to get myself calmed down and relaxed.  I have nothing to fear and I know that I am loved by so many.  Deep breaths and I should be okay.  In the interim, I think I may need to break down and get a Dr. Pepper.  Something I have not had in over a year....

Monday....

Well, it is indeed Monday.  We have had a good dousing of rain this morning and it has managed to stay overcast most of the remainder of the day.  Good news for the energy bills and the water bills.  We are still keeping a close eye on Tropical Storm Alex and are hoping that he decides to stay far away from out part of the Gulf so that the oil spill cleanup can continue.

This weekend I was craving a hamburger and a good beer.  Well, SF is not one to turn down a good beer so we decided that we should go to the HEB and peruse their vast selection and get something for each of us.  We also decided to get some chips and salsa, as we were out and it is great for watching TV.  We also agreed that burgers from Whataburger were the best choice.  We could both get the burgers we wanted without any delay and could get home to watch TV.

Beer was a harder decision than either of us had expected.  I immediately saw Left Hand Milk Stout....I wanted that!  SF was pondering and looking.  It was taking her longer than I thought it would.  She really prefers wheat beers, so I was sure she would be ready before I was.  Fooled again!  What happened next was funny.  I am not one that likes confrontation, so I asked what she wanted to see if we could meet in the middle.  Much to my surprise, so showed me a sampler pack from Michelob that had four beer types.  I looked them over and three of the four sounded great to me.  I knew that the Shock Top was what she was after.  The sampler pack contained three each of the following: Shock Top, Hop Hound, Ginger Wheat and DunkelWeisse.  Well, I knew that I liked the DunkelWeisse and after reading the Hop Hound I was confident that I would like it as well.  The Ginger Wheat sounded interesting enough so we both agreed that we should try the sampler pack.

We got home with the hamburgers and the groceries.  We popped the burgers into the microwave to stay warm and put two of each beer into the freezer to get really cold.  We put the rest of the groceries away, got the chips and salsa into bowls and got the burgers out and finished.  We both added a few things from the fridge.  We also opened jars of pickled okra.  SF had picked spicy and I have, of course, chosen mild.  We made the burgers ancient history rather quickly and snacked on the okra.  Once we were done with that, we agreed that it was beer time.  In the spirit of a sampler, I got two beer coozies that covered the entire bottle.  I opened both of them and secured them in their coozies.  It was a total surprise to SF.  I had chosen to give her the Ginger Wheat first due to the pairing sheet that said that it could cool down heat such as wasabi.  I had a DunkelWeisse first.  She was very pleased with her first selection.  It was her turn next, so she got herself a Hop Hound and got me a Ginger Wheat.  It was better than I had even guessed.  Our third ones were Hop Hound for me and Shock Top for her.  We both agreed that we needed to get another one of these packs, as there was something for both of us and that is always a bonus!

Okay, enough with that.  I have also been knitting.  This weekend I finished the Sugar Rush Tank.  This yarn is SO yummy!  I have been looking at my Ravelry queue and my stash of patterns to see what else calls to me to be made from it as well.  I took this picture before I had the straps sewed on, as I had to enlist SF to help me place them.  I wanted to be able to wear a bra with it, so placement was key.  I'll post pictures of it finished and perhaps one of me modeling it as well later this week.

I also finished the Ballerina Wrap for Zoe.  It was blocked heavily prior to assembly, as suggested by the Yarn Harlot herself.  I was glad that I did, as it made the seams much easier to match and the finished piece is lovely.  I can't wait to get it to her.

And two shots to leave you with this afternoon.  The one above is the daylily above with the fresh rain upon it.  The one below is Sassy in her overlord pose.

Until tomorrow....

Friday Fill-Ins #182

1. On vacation, I like eating local foods, looking for local yarn stores and lazy mornings in bed.
2. I want to go on a whale watching cruise in the ocean.
3. One of my favorite vacation spots will always be The Finger Lakes part of upstate New York because of the water, the scenery and the WINE.
4. I always get emotional and want more one on one time with the full moon.
5. Up, up and away, some day I want to take a hot air balloon ride.
6. Bananas and chocolate soy milk make great smoothies.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a late night swim, tomorrow my plans include a trip to the local farmer's market and Sunday, I want to grill out and enjoy adult beverages poolside!

Wednesday

Well, I survived the Jury Summons.  I can't go into many details about the case but let's just say that being the well rounded woman I am, it was evident from the very first question that I was going to be dismissed.  Pray tell, what was this first question you ask.  Simple, "How many of you ride a motorcycle and what kind?"  I was panel member number five, so I was sitting on the first row.

My hand goes up as I was instructed and while holding my knitting I politely answer, "I ride a 2009 CVO Springer Softtail."  "Is that a Harley?"  "Yes."  "Stock pipes?"  "No sir, two into one pipes that have been tuned on the Dyna machine to boost performance."  A voice in the back of the room, "Do you have the Screamin' Eagle package?"  "Yes, with the 110 engine."  A different voice from the back, "Do you have the black/green or the blue/gunmetal version?"  "It is the Candy Cobalt Blue with the gunmetal and loaded with chrome."  At which point the judge intervenes and we move on to the rest of the panel members for their respective answers.

Next question, "Have you every driven a vehicle and towed anything with it.  If yes, what?"  Again the hand goes up.  I am the only person in the front row with my hand up so I go again.  "A Ford Conversion Van towing a 17' Malibu Ski Boat."  "Seriously, you drove a huge van towing a ski boat?"  "Yes sir, we camped in it due to the fold down full size bed and went to Lake Somerville quite often."  "Fine.  At any point while driving and towing did you ever feel the need to come to a complete stop before you turned?"  "Yes sir, there were many times that I felt it necessary to bring the can and the trailer to a complete stop before maneuvering a turn, especially to the left."  Voice from the back, "It is illegal to come to a complete stop unless there is oncoming traffic."  My retort, "I really don't give a flying flip what the law states.  As a driver it is my responsibility to make certain that my actions do not cause any harmful consequences to myself, my passengers or to others.  So, I'll stop when ever I feel it is necessary, let traffic go around and then make the turn when I'm good and ready."  "Even if that means you could be issued a citation?"  "Absolutely!"  Everyone else answers with various trailers and boats.

We keep going and the final question is about sky diving.  Once again the hand goes up.  At which point both attorneys are dumb-founded.  At which point I am asked, "Ms. Ping, looking at you sitting here knitting it is hard to believe that a woman of your age has done so many things in your life that contradict your outward appearance.  Can you explain?"

My dander was up now...."If it pleases the court, may I remind you sir that as an attorney you of all people should know not to pull the gender card, the age card or personal appearance card.  Yes, I knit.  Big flippin' deal.  I have been doing it for the better part of thirty years.  It keeps me from wanting to smack insolent people.  As for my age, other than the fact that you are privy to it due to the Summons Card, it is none of your business what I outwardly portray.  As long as I am a law abiding citizen I can look however I so choose.  I may have tattoos and piercings all over my body but you can't see them.  Would that matter to the case?  Not unless it is about piercing and tattoos.  And as for what I chose to enjoy, that sir is certainly none of your business.  If I want to bungee jump off the Fred Hartman Bridge and it is legal I just might.  I might want to learn hot to drive a drag car.  Point is, sir, you have no right to pass judgment on me or my appearance.  The only facts that you can utilize are my answers that are pertinent to choosing a twelve-person panel for this civil case."  Stopping to take a breath, "and I am sadden and dismayed that the judicial system would allow you to interrogate me this way."

The Judge intervenes again.  He apologizes and reminds the counsel that they cannot question any one in this manner.  A little too late.  I am seething waiting for a break.  Finally, we are given a twenty minute break.  Most of the panel members steered clear of me to allow me to cool off.  One did ask me if I needed any water or anything.  I declined and just sat there doing my crossword puzzles in black ink.  Which caused another panel member to remark that I was too smart for this case and should be disqualified.  I asked why and he simply said that anyone who did crossword puzzles in ink was smarter than the average person and that was good for me but bad news for a jury.

That led me to think about that after we were finally dismissed, after the twelve special jurors had been chosen and sworn in.  Am I really a challenge to court cases?  Because I am so diversified in my likes and interests do I make it hard to be objective?  I would hate to think that my county is so backwards that there will not be a panel that I could serve upon.  I would like to think that these are the very qualities that make it able for me to be open-minded and objective.  We shall see.

I will continue to do crossword puzzles in black ink.  I will continue to read every book, magazine and manner of print that catches my eye.  I will continue to search the Internet for information.  I will continue to follow social media.  In short I will continue to stretch my limits and grow for as long as I am physically able.  Attorneys take heed....I am not a push over just because I knit....I can debate with the best of you...just sayin....

And, Congrats to the US Soccer team on their victory today!