"I have never felt that anything really mattered but the satisfaction of knowing that you stood for the things in which you believed and had done the very best you could." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Yes, I have an update.....

Okay, I know that my last post was not altogether a happy one. This will be a long one, since it has been a while. Sixteen days to be exact.

Yes, I have been in my own apartment since June 7th. It is a quaint little studio apartment. This is the floor plan:

At first, I viewed it as a prison. A place that I was exiled to while I work to repair and restore the things that I have done that caused the separation. I still do not want to talk about that yet. After some soul searching and counseling, I have opted to make the place a little more like a place that I can come home to for at least the next 11 months.

Here are a few pictures of the place:

This is the Living Room. I have befriended one of the maintenance men and he found these two pieces of furniture in an apartment that had been vacated. They need some dusting and some serious cleaning, but other than that they are in perfect condition.

This is the Manicure Table that Munchkin let me borrow. Originally, I used it as the computer table. It is now by the front door for mail and keys. The frame above is new and I have pictures that I am gathering up to put in it.

This is the dormer window that is in the living room. I have added some chocolate brown taffeta curtains in the windows to block out the outside lights. They were a steal in the clearance area. I have added some African Violets and some other plants to the stand. I love plants.

This is the built-in bookcase that separates the living room from the bedroom. It is still as sparse as the rest of the apartment.

This is the "spacious" bathroom. Enough said on that subject.

This is Sassy visiting. She is exploring the canisters on the bathroom sink.

This is the other side of the sink while Sassy is eating.

This is my galley style kitchen.

This is the sink area and my few appliances.

This is the bed room. I have a twin size bed, a night stand, and a dresser. The cat cages are on the side wall in the right side of this picture.

I am not going to share the closet. It is not really suited for viewing at this time. There are boxes that I still need to go through and unpack and other arranging that needs to take place as well. Just trust me that it is big and has built in shelves on one whole wall.

Munchkin and Wifey helped me move a few loads, but the rest I did in the new car. I have made a few trips back to our house to get things that I forgot or that I decided that I wanted/needed. One of those was the Pocket Dragons collection that Wifey has given me each Christmas for the last ten years. I have them above my computer desk on a sewing machine shelf that she also gave me. They have been discontinued, so I am sure that the one I got this past Christmas will be the last one that she ever gives me. I will miss that part of our celebration. Half of the fun was waiting to see what she would pick and give me. Little things....

Wifey also gave me our camping grill. it is quite cute and works off the little propane tanks. I actually used it this weekend to fix myself a steak. I still have to get used to how to use it. The steak turned out cooked rare, just like I want them. Cooking is the hardest part most days. When I was married, I had to cook every day and I hated it. When Wifey and I got together, I was glad to give that up. It helped that she got home way before I got I did. I cooked every other Thanksgiving and when I wanted to, but it wasn't a requirement any longer. I am learning my way around the kitchen all over again.

With the increased dose of Lexapro, I have not been able to drink any alcohol at all, so I have lost almost sixteen pounds since I have been here. There are a lot of nights that I would really like a drink. Sometimes I feel like it would help me, but I know that is not the truth, so I pour myself a glass of cranberry juice and add a slice of lime. That's about as festive as it gets. Thank god for hot tea and honey.

Nights are the worst. I don't sleep as well as I did before. Sometimes I can actually sleep for six hours straight, but that is a rare occurrence. I know that Wifey is not sleeping any better. I know that this is just as hard on her as it is on me. Don't get me wrong, I am not asking for pity for myself or for Wifey. I have a lot of things to work through and that is what the counselor is for. She keeps me on track. I go twice a week at the moment. I will be going to her for a long time I think. I have discovered that counseling is good for the soul. It makes you be brutally honest with yourself. I takes a toll on you but you feel better when you leave.

My counselor is wonderful. I feel very comfortable with her. She is hard on me and can be quite brutal at times. I have a wonderful friend that is also a counselor. She is my rock when I need someone to talk with at night. We email and IM and she reminds me of how hard self-discovery can be and that the journey is worth it. She reminds me that I am strong and that if this is what I need to do, then I must forge ahead. She keeps me grounded and I keep her up to date with the sessions.

I have promised Wifey that I would not talk about our private lives on the blog, so this will be the last entry that she is mentioned in. I will also not discuss Munchkin or Trouble here either. I hate to be selective about what I write, but I must respect her wishes if this separation is to have any chance of working.

I have done a few more things for myself. I went to the SPCA and signed up to volunteer in the cattery. I also signed up to be a foster parent for kitties that need weekend care after they are spayed and/or neutered. I have a special pair visiting this weekend. They are Gracie Allen and George Burns. They were adopted two weeks ago but the couple that adopted them had no idea that their son was allergic to cats until he got home from where ever he was. They spent three days in an outdoor dog run. Poor babies.....just look at these pictures:

George Burns and Gracie Allen


I kan has bigger bed pleze?

Aren't they just adorable? They went to see the Vet Saturday and I am waiting on the test results. If they receive a clean bill of health, they will go back to the SPCA Tuesday so that they can be re-adopted out as soon as possible. They are a brother sister duo and I hope that they get adopted that way. They have been through so much already.

I also participated in the WWKIP events here. I had a blast. I won the first door prize too. I won a Plymouth Yarn Design Studio Firenze Boucle Luxury Throw Kit in Color 442. I was so surprised. The yarn is not normally my color, but who knows. I have been told to use colors in the apartment that Wifey and I would never use together. I have been using a lot of Chocolate Brown, Sage Green, and Slate Blue. I am trying to use blue sparingly since that is our favorite color, so the pinks could be the "flair" that the greens and browns need.

I have more, but I will draw this post to a close and let you know that I will be posting knitting pictures this week and also pictures of the car this week. Please know that all of your emails and comments have meant the world to me. I count on your friendships and I know that if you were here in person, I would tell each and every one of you how much you mean and share more. I need to learn what it means to be a friend and how to be a friend. I am learning to drop my walls and try to trust, even if it means that I will get hurt along the way.

Okay, off to bed.....this is a short week and I have a lot to do.

Friday, June 13, 2008

All is well, okay I guess

I know that it has been a little while since my last entry. A lot has been going on in our little world.

We are still waiting on the police report to be issued. We will need to have the attorney get involved more than likely. We have gotten a settlement check for the Rio and we were pleased. That's all I can say about that.

The new job is still hectic. I am learning stuff daily. I have my hands around quite a bit of it, but there is so much to discover and learn. I have hired a new Administrative Assistant. She is very young and rough around the edges. She will be a great asset once we get her all trained.

I have still more news....hold on to your hats/seats/etc.

We are about to be grandparents, officially, to a human being, not a pet. Trouble has announced that she is pregnant. We are not altogether pleased, as she only had two semesters left before she would have graduated from college. We are not sure if that will ever happen at this point. I will be able to pull out the baby patterns and fire up the needles and the sewing machine. I can at least do that much to help.

Munchkin is trying to get her self an appointment to take the Civil Service Exam so that she can enter the Police Academy. We are keeping our fingers crossed. She is getting scared about being an adult, but I think that she is ready. Her puppy, Nina, is over the Parvo scare, and is back to her normal puppy self. She is still skinny, but the vet says that she will make up for it.

I bought a new car this past week. We replaced the 2003 Rio with a 2008 Rio 5. It is Sunset Metallic Orange. It is really cute and I and pleased with the deal I got and the economics of it. It is a hatchback, so we can transport a lot of stuff and cut down on using the mommy van. I will try to take pictures this weekend and get them posted.

I have been knitting again. I had to frog Cherrie Amour back to the ribbing, so I will be posting pictures of her next week when I get her back to the diving point. She is really pretty and the yarn is so yummy. I have also been working on two Pay-It-Forward gifts. I feel like Franklin, I am making ________ for ________, and ________ for ________. I think that both ladies will be very pleased with their gifts.

I am also getting ready to send my birthday swap gift to Canada. I will put the final touches on it this weekend and mail it Monday so that it has plenty of time to get to Canada before July 4th.

On a more personal note, Wifey and I are separated at the moment. I am not strong enough to talk about it yet, but it is temporary. I am going to a wonderful counselor and she has been able to help me alot already. When I am feeling mentally better, I promise a better explanation. Wifey has gone with me once and has agreed to go when the counselor needs her to be present. I know that this is the right thing for us to do so that we can grow and also show Trouble and Munchkin how two people that love each other stick it out and work through their problems. When we put rings on each others fingers ten and a half years ago it was for better or worse, in sickness and in healthy, for richer and for poorer, till death us do part. I meant it then and I mean it just as much now.

Don't feel sorry for me. Instead, send me positive vibes. I have a lot of issues to work through before we can begin to resume our normal life. I have taken the first steps by admitting that I need help and that I want to heal. I can tell you that it is not alcohol or drugs, so don't worry about that. I can also tell you that I am clinically depressed and they have upped my dose of Lexapro to 20 mg per day, so no drinking at all. It turns the depressant into a Barbiturate, and I don't need any help feeling more depressed.

Don't worry. I will be posting on a regular basis, because, now more than ever, I will need all of your support and friendship.