Venting

Okay, so I am totally pissed and I know that I am going to get an ear-full from this post but at this point I really don't care.

What has me pissed? Simply put, SWCNLBN has continued to spy on me and my activities via the blog. Now, before you say anything, I am fully aware that the blog is public. That is not the rationale behind the anger.

SWCNLBN was duly advised that the site meter software I utilize was able to pinpoint activity from her School IP Address. She was duly advised that I would have no problem letting the District know that she was using school time and resources to follow the blog of her lesbian ex-partner. Yes, I was still angry and would have reported it just that way. I also let her know that I also had Donece's IP address from her work computer that I would have no problem providing it to the necessary people if she too did not cease and desist the blog reading.

So what is the issue? Well, let's see. SWCNLBN claims to have only wanted me to seek the help I needed and that she still cares for me. So far, what I have learned from counseling is that people that love each other do not really banish them to seek healing that has the potential to break them apart without going through it with them. She is so "concerned" that she has spies following the blog and providing her with information that she in turn has interrogated Megan and sometimes Stephanie about.

So, I turn this directly to you LLG! Step up to the plate. You are afraid of what you don't know. You were my wife for ten years. We were parents, lovers, and friends. I shared my daughters with you and trusted your teaching expertise. We shared a wonderful home that everyone said was warm.

All of this was challenged when you became hell bent on replacing your friendship with Ruth with one between Donece and yourself. You could not be an adult and talk to Ruth about what had happened and why the two of you had grown apart after over 25+ years. You could not face her and say what was on your mind. Instead, you diligently mapped out our relationship to be in tune with Barbara and Donece. We ate where and what they wanted and we did what they wanted on their time schedule.

You and Donece became hell bent on making everything a competition. You drank with her to excess. You swam with her while she was topless while Barbara and I were at work. You shopped for things for our sex life with her and not with me. Yes, I am posting all of this in a very public forum, because I can. It is my blog and I can and will write whatever I damn well please, so put that in your pipe and smoke it. Now, I will admit that there are other things that transpired and I have taken full blame and responsibility for them. What I should also take responsibility for at this point is not insisting that you make us a priority. I could have tried harder to make my unhappiness known about the lack of spontaneity in our new life. Would it have mattered. I do not know. Would you have made changes? I cannot say. But I should have spoken my mind, because I now know that no one is a mind reader and anything unspoken remains unknown.

What I can say is that those ten plus years were filled with wonderful times and memories. I loved you unconditionally, just as your grandmother also had done. I accepted you as you were and never asked for anything else. I accepted your snoring, your temper, your habit of wiping things on your leg, your noises, and all of your hang-ups from your mother as the things that made you special. I am grateful that my daughters had you in their life. As adults they are free to pursue whatever relationship with you that they choose.

What you cannot do is use them to keep yourself apprised of my life. If you want to know something, then pick up the phone or send me an email. I will meet you in a public place and we can talk like adults. Will you? I doubt it because you are afraid of what you will discover.

I have learned a lot of very valuable things this past nine months. I am not totally confident about everything but I am working on it daily. I am not totally self-sufficient but I am working on it daily. I have learned to get outside my comfort zones. I have learned to face my fears head on and work hard to defeat them. I have forced myself to get out and meet people. I have made several good friends that I truly treasure. I have also made time for myself a priority. Since June of 2008 I have lost 46 pounds. I gained a few back after the 10K but I am back at work getting myself back down to the 150 that I was on the 28th of February when I weighed in before the race. I have made getting my degree my priority and I am focused on that. I have also made myself vulnerable by going to the BRB on Fridays for Country Western Dance Lessons. I don't go every Friday and I don't post about it because I don't want you to show up and interfere.

I have also made it a point to meet other women. Not for any other reason than to be friends. I have not been with any one since I have been alone. I am not obligated to tell you that, I am just willing to do so because I can. I have chosen not to wear any of the jewelry that you gave me until such time that the pieces have no emotional value associated with them. If I cannot move past that, then I will have them converted into totally new pieces that are mine and bear no sibilance to their original formats.

You, LLG, need to step up to the plate. If you want to know something, then stop hiding behind the spy or spies. Stop being a yellow-bellied chicken-shit and ask me yourself. You need to face your fears and be an adult. I think that we need closure of some type so that you can move forward. I am not certain of what you want or need but I am open to communicate so that we can resolve this once and for all. We both deserve that from each other and I am willing to make the first step by asking that you do the same.

I am not certain if it is Ruth, Terri, or Michelle that is your spy, nor do I really care. I find it pathetic that you are not adult enough to handle this by yourself. Instead, you have made them pawns in this. If they are indeed your friends, they would tell you to face it and deal with it. I know that Michelle would love to see you cut all times with the three of us, even though she is the last person that is qualified to give relationship advice since all of her relationships have been with co-workers and have all been train wrecks. As for Ruth and Terri, I reserve my comments to just one. I have known Ruth a long time and if this is what she feels she must do for you, then so be it.

So, face your fears. Make contact so that we can end this or resolve it in some manner that will make us both happy. I dare you, because I don't think you can. I think that you are a coward and your own closeted issues prevent you from being able to do so.